I have been feeling more and more generally depressed lately, just a general overall sadness not attached to anything in particular. Nothing I can blame or focus on, though if I wanted to, there are lots of things I could let myself dwell on. I try not to dwell on things I can’t do anything about or I don’t know how to fix. Mostly, it’s just this sense of hopelessness that seems to be hanging about me like a cloak and even though I can manage to smile and joke with my co-workers or the puppy daycare folks, I always feel like I’m one or two seconds away from bursting out in tears for no real reason at all.
During my last visit to the general practitioner, I mentioned that I didn’t think my antidepressants were working anymore. Since I’m maxed out on the dosage, it’s been decided that I need to see a psychiatrist to change the med on top of my regular therapist, a nurse practitioner. Of course, I can’t get in to see the shrink until August 20th.
Mental illness runs in my family. My grandmother has bipolar disorder. My mother thinks my uncle might also have it, though undiagnosed. My cousin committed suicide and my general impression of him was that he was a rather uncheerful person. I have suffered from depression from quite a long time — at least sixth grade, I think. However, I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s.
I understand that the medication isn’t supposed to make you happy la-la. However, it is supposed to make you level or something. You’ll have good days and bad days just like everyone else. My problem is that I rarely have a good day. This particular episode has gotten pretty bad — I haven’t even picked up my beloved camera since last Friday night. I just have been feeling apathetic towards it all.
I’m considering trying some homeopathy. I’ve been trying to read up on light therapy. It’s supposed to help both depression as well as sleep disorders, another of my many problems. However, I’m not sure what I should get. Light therapy boxes can be expensive — $100 - $300. I thought about getting one of those light therapy alarm clocks that wakes you up with the slowly brightening light, but I don’t think that would work on me. I think I’d just crawl under the covers.
I wonder if anyone else has had good success with those light therapy things?
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