I guess you could tell I’ve been a little out of sorts for the last week. I’ve actually been mulling over some grumpiness since my last therapy visit on the 4th. I went to my session feeling kind of proud of myself for everything I’d accomplished since the last session about a month before when I’d basically decided that I wasn’t going to let my depression “define” me. I had come to the conclusion around that time that my depression was reinforcing itself and I wanted to put a stop to that.
And I feel as if I’ve come a long way…or at least a way. I’ve been making a constant effort to clean my house, something that never seems to be done and never seems to be close to done and seems to be more like one step forward two steps back. (I still can’t figure out how my living room got so messy since I was only awake in it for about 2 hours yesterday and don’t recall doing anything in those 2 hours. It was clean on Sunday. And how does one person make so many dirty dishes and so much dirty clothes?)
And I had signed up for a couple of classes/lectures — one on Seasonal Affective Disorder and a six-week thing for people with chronic illnesses. I was very excited about the prospect of getting Pugly into the next training class and eventually agility training.
Really, except for my frustration with the fibro pain and my problems with communication with my GP and the Rheumatologist, I was in a fairly good mood overall as far as the direction I was heading. I thought I was making good progress and I was ready for my pat on the back and some support and sympathy for the communication issues.
Clearly, that’s not what happened.
I’ve been trying to decide how I’ve felt about what was discussed in the session for a week now and while I agree with some of the things she had to say, I once again don’t think she heard everything I had to say or rather I don’t think I maybe made myself clear enough on some points.
She pointed out that I need to make the same decision about fibromyalgia as I made about depression and not let it “define” me. She clearly thinks that I use it as an excuse for not doing things in my life that she thinks I should just (get this) “suck it up” and do. She made a very good point that I use the word “but” quite a bit, but I think I have some valid but’s that clearly some people don’t want to hear.
So, here are some of our talking points:
- Exercise: This is a recurring talking point with all of my doctors, it seems. My trouble is that I used to exercise a lot and I used to push myself past my limits and with the fibromyalgia, I know that you can’t do that. In fact, I’m not sure where my new limits are because of the pain. Heck, it feels like I’ve hit the limit before I’ve started. So, I’m kind of wishy-washy on this subject. Plus, I’m told by the doctors that water exercise is best so I tried the aquatic PT thing last Winter and it interfered with work because they don’t have after-hour appointments; it was a real problem going 3 times a week in the middle of the day. I’d love to find an aqua aerobics class outside of work hours that’s at least semi-convenient and a bathing suit that fits me (at the end of swimsuit season). And then, of course, when am I going to find the time? She did suggest Curves as a low-impact alternative and I said that I had contemplated Curves because it had been recommended for some fibro patients in an article I read, but I actually have a moral excuse for why I haven’t jumped right at joining — the owner of the original company is a huge supporter of the anti-abortion movement and gives a lot of money to that cause and I can’t decide if joining a franchise which still provides him money is against my moral leanings or not.
- Weight Loss/Diet: I lost 55+ lbs. in 2002 and have pretty much gained it all back. I’ve been told again and again that I need to lose weight again and this time I’m just not scared enough or motivated enough. Last time I was truly, honestly so terrified that I was going to die of a heart attack by the time I was 35 years old that I just woke up one day and decided to do it. But here’s the thing: I was completely obsessed about the whole process. You do not lose 55+ lbs. in 52 weeks without hyperfocusing on dieting. I wrote down every single bite I ate for a year. I was doing one of Weight Watchers early Points plans and I kept track of my points to the quarter Point. I drank more than 10 glasses of water a day. I obsessed over fat grams, protein, and fiber. I made certain I got in all of my fruits and vegetables and when I ran out of Points for the day, I went to bed because that was all there was. I exercised too. I got into walking and going to the gym; I was doing the Firm tapes and lots of Richard Simmons. For a year, all I thought about was what I was eating, what I was going to eat, and what the scale said twice a day every day. My little Weight Watcher notebook was filled with calculations of Points for meals divided into portions and fractions and all sorts of puzzles and tricks and, yet, none of it became routine. And it scares me now when I think back on it and I have no desire to go through any of it again, which is why I’m so resistant to the idea of dieting. Now, when I tried to explain to my therapist about this, all she said was “It just sounds like you were dieting.” To me, it sounds like I was obsessing rather dangerously and I don’t understand why she can’t see that. O.K. I actually gained back 80 lbs. I have lost 25lbs just by keeping a random eye on what I eat. I mean, I do consider myself an expert on nutrition and diet now. It’s not like I don’t know what needs to be done.
So, now the therapist is pressuring me to just suck it up and do something about my weight because in the long run, it’ll be better for my health, because didn’t I feel better 55 lbs lighter? Well, actually, that’s when I started getting sick…but my self-esteem was a little better and I liked how my clothes fit. The clothes are cuter. I just don’t want to obsess about it again. I don’t even think I have the energy to obsess about it again. - Socializing: While I’m busy trying to keep up with cleaning my house that never seems clean, finding an exercise program that completely sends me into fibro hell, dieting, oh, and my day job, I’m also supposed to be finding ways to make friends. I’m not opposed to this. I’d like to have friends up here rather than scattered across the world thanks to Katrina, but I was thinking of checking out a camera club, but one of my co-workers expressed an interest in attending a water aerobics class with me if we can find one after work, which would be when the camera club meets.
See how it all spirals? And maybe I’m making excuses where there are none, who knows? I put a lot of thought into these things. My therapist says I’m waiting for the stars to align perfectly before doing the things I talk about doing. She seems to think that I’m waiting for the pain to go away before I get on with my life and she told me that it’s never going away and that I just have to “suck it up” and learn to live with it, which I guess is why I’ve been spiraling into this idea that there has to be more than this; if I’m going to learn to not let my fibromyalgia to “define” me, then I’ve got to find a way to live with it and it can’t be nearly intolerable as a baseline; that can’t be the baseline.
I want to improve my life. There are always going to be but’s. I guess the question is this: Do I see the accomplishments and strides I’ve made and feel inspired by them or do I just see big butts -er- but’s in my way?
I still feel very let down by the tone of the conversation in my therapy session, but I plan to make the best of it. I’ve decided that it’s time to start making a few small changes here and there in my nutritional habits. I’m going to start setting small goals for myself on a weekly basis and I’m going to keep a better eye on what I’m eating and how much, but I’m not going to obsess about it.
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