Thirteen Things Not To Do, Say, Or Wear On A Plane, 22nd

Since I’m leaving this Friday for the Christmas holiday, I thought it was appropriate to look back over the last 6 years at some of the ludicrousness that has resulted from the paranoia born of 9/11. Some fear is good, just enough too keep us aware and alive, but some common sense and sanity should also be applied.

Thirteen Things about J. Lynne This poor guy accidentally dropped his iPod in the toilet of an airplane and even after he shamefully admitted to his clumsiness, the plane had to make an emergency landing, the passengers were submitted to questioning by customs while the plane was searched for bombs, and he was treated like a terrorist, including having his laptop searched for child porn and hate propaganda by Canadian law enforcement. Raed Jarrar, an Arab human rights activist, was prevented from boarding a plane at Kennedy Airport while wearing a T-shirt that read, “We will not be silent” in English and Arabic. One official told him, “Going to an airport with a T-shirt in Arabic script is like going to a bank and wearing a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m a robber.”‘ Jarrar is half-Iraqi and half-Pakastani and now lives in the U.S. The slogan “We will not be silent” has been adopted by opponents of the Iraq war. In the end, he was allowed to board but he had to give up his seat at the front of the plane and sit in the rear because he refused to change the shirt or turn it inside out. Six Imans (Muslim leaders) were removed from a US Airways flight after other passengers became suspicious of their behavior prior to boarding the plane. Suffice it to say, you should not be seen praying to God or Allah right before you allow yourself to be thrust into the sky in a tin can. Allen Jasson, an anti-war protester, flying between London and Melbourne, had repeated problems with airlines and security denying him access due to his t-shirt that declared President George W. Bush as the World’s #1 Terrorist. In the end, he decided to stand up for free speech, insisting that the airline that left him stranded in Melbourne pay for his trip home dressed in that t-shirt. MIT student Star Simpson was arrested at Logan International Airport when she entered wearing a computer circuit board and wiring on her sweatshirt. Authorities called it a fake bomb, but she called it art. If you remember, Boston was the city that over-reacted to that “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” ad campaign and shut down the city. They have no sense of humor there. The Portland Jetport’s Baggage Claim had to be shut down for six hours and the hazardous materials team called out when a white powder was discovered on a luggage carousel. It turned out to be sugar cookie mix. Architect Seth Stein was returning from a nice vacation where he’d managed to get a nice tan, something many of us aspire to on vacation, little did he know that his tan, combined with his need to use the airplane toilet and use of an iPod added up to suspicious behavior in the minds of some of his fellow passengers. To his horror, one over-zealous passenger, who claimed to be a police officer, actually assaulted him, grabbing him from behind and putting him in a head lockStein was furious that the airline staff did nothing to help him or protect him from the attack; it was only after the assaulter was told that the pilot had run a security check on Mr. Stein and that he was O.K. that the stranger reluctantly returned to his own seat. As a vacationer who uses her iPod on the plane and frequently needs to visit the airplane toilet, I’m going to really work at not making it look suspicious at all. Though I’m not sure how exactly to do that. In August of 2006, everything about airport security changed. We were told that terrorists planned to use liquid components to build bombs to explode planes. Immediately and without warning, airport security began confiscating anything remotely liquid — water bottles, coffee, wine, soda, baby formula, medication, liquid make-up, lipstick, gel bras, hair gel, and so on. Airport security couldn’t even be bothered to pretend the danger was truly serious or real; they tossed all of the potentially volatile liquids into the same trashcan right there next to everyone in the security line. Had there been true concern of chemical danger, surely some care would have been taken to dispose of the items safely. Instead, each airport created its own toxic waste concoction, wasted $100s or perhaps $1000s of paying customers hard-earned money on items they either needed or at least wanted, and created massive chaos and huge time-wasting lines in a big pretend show of how we’re being made more secure. Bernice “Bea” Bogart, an 83 year old breast cancer survivor and wheelchair-bound since 1999, suffered from dementia due to a stroke she had in 2004; she had a doctor’s note saying she had a metal hip replacement and she couldn’t stand without a cane or walker. Really, who could suspect this little old woman of anything wicked? However, the Denver International Airport TSA staff thought differently. They forced her daughter to sit across the room and watch as they brought the woman into a special screening area, made her stand and walk, lifted her arms after she couldn’t do so herself and searched her. Her daughter wondered if they thought Bea had a bomb in her Depends. Don’t even joke about bombs in the airport or on an airplane. No one thinks it’s funny. One Lebanese man jokingly told the stewardess that his bag had a bomb in it when she tried to stow it, she told the pilot, who decided to return to the airport, where the plane was searched and the man was arrested. Don’t get into a cat fight on board a moving plane. This plane had to be diverted to JFK because of an altercation between three women. Really, all that does is make that flight late and probably upsets the precarious balance of incoming and outgoing flights too. Don’t leave your things on the plane when you leave. This Air Canada plane had to make an emergency landing when they discovered a package that didn’t belong to anyone on board. It turned out to be harmless, but you never know. It might have been exploding hair gel. The three t-shirts I won’t be wearing on my flight to New Mexico tomorrow: “I am the bad guy” “I am a photographer, not a terrorist” The one with the U.S. Constitution printed on the front and in big red stamped letters across it “VOID where prohibited by law”

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Thirteen Things I Buy Before A Trip, 21rst

As I prepare for my annual holiday vacation to New Mexico to see my parents and grandmother, I once again find there’s a lot of prep work to be done, especially with all of the new and improved security measures at the airports. I mean, a lot of thought has to be put into what to pack and how to pack it. For example, I can’t carry my make-up on the plane anymore because of the liquid rules. Serious thought has to be made about whether or not to bring my protein powder and if so, how to store it — surely not in a Ziploc plastic bag where it might be considered an illegal drug or Anthrax, but I also don’t want to bring the whole huge labeled container. With limits on what you can carry on the plane now, I’m restricted to my dog carrier and my laptop case, so I can’t carry a purse, but the airlines are famous for losing my luggage so I have to figure out how to fit my long list and large collection of large bottles of medications into those two containers.

And on and on it goes.

But also, before every trip, I find I have a list of items I have to purchase. It’s not just the airline ticket and souvenirs that add to the cost of the trip, but the items you need to make the trip in the first place. You know what I mean.

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Paranoia, The New American Way

Remember when after 9/11, we were all filled with the pride of patriotism and the American Way?  Remember how we weren’t going to “let the terrorists win” by changing us, by living in fear, because that’s exactly what they wanted because they wanted to destroy our American Way, our freedoms, our pride?

Well, they’re winning.   We live in a ridiculous paranoid state that is the new American Way.

Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.

- Benjamin Franklin

The Portland International Jetport in Maine was shut down for six hours on Wednesday after an unknown someone spilled a mixture of flour and sugar on the luggage carousel in the baggage claim.  A Haz Mat team was called out at noon and initial tests were negative for a biological substance; further testing revealed powder substance was the common ingredients used in a sugar cookie.  It’s believed that a passenger was carrying the sugar cookie concoction in a plastic bag and spilled it.  No one knows what flight the passenger was on or where he or she might have gone.

Our paranoia has begun to paralyze us.  We are jumping at the most ridiculous things.  The last time I flew, the airport security thought I might have a bomb in the saltwater taffy I purchased in the gift shop and held everyone up while they ran it through some sort of bomb-sniffing machine.

Meanwhile, we all now have to stand in lines in our sock feet and our possessions separated into containers on conveyor belts waiting anxiously to see if this is our turn to not just walk through the arched metal detector but to be asked to “step over there.” 

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Thirteen Reasons My Mother Thinks I’m The Queen Of Unlucky Fliers, 16th

I used to be terrified of flying. They used to have to pump me up with tranquilizers to get me on the airplane. Just the very thought of being in a tin can flinging itself all of those miles above the ground seemed very wrong to me. My mother used to say that if God had meant for us to wear pierced earrings, he would have made sure we’d been born with holes in our ears; well, I figured with the same logic that if God had meant for us to fly through the air like birds, then he would have made sure we were born with wings or jet packs or something similar.

However, for some bizarre reason, all of that changed after 9/11. Whereas more people developed phobias of flying, I have overcome mine. I believe it’s because the airport experience has become a thousand times more stressful since 9/11. I’m way too stressed out dealing with everything involved with the actual travel experience to worry about crashing and dying a fiery death now. However, since 9/11, I have had a series of very unfortunate experiences traveling, which has caused many of my family and friends to feel that I am unlucky to travel with. My mother herself considers me the unluckiest of fliers.

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